After Marriage

After someone gets married, unfortunately, there is the possibility of separation and divorce. Divorce is becoming more commonly accepted. In 2008, 22% of Americans still believed that divorce is morally wrong. I personally believe that a couple should do everything in their power to work out their problems before even considering marriage. Doing everything possible, doesn't mean trying to talk about it and then deciding that it's not getting everywhere. I mean that both spouses are really attempting to make it work between them and giving their heart to trying to fix their problem. I believe that people are genuinely happier when they work out a problem instead of divorce because often times one of them regrets the divorce two years later. There are certain instances in which I believe divorce is healthier for both parties and children, but there are many instances where it is not healthier. My textbook (Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy Eighth Edition) notes that there are four phases in the process of divorce. The first is recognition. This is when one or both spouses recognize that there is a serious problem. The second is discussion. Discussion is the period during which one or both spouses begin to share the marital problems with others or each other. Third is action. This is when one of the spouses secures a lawyer in order to legally divorce. The last one is postdissolution which begins when both spouses accept the fact that the marriage has ended. The textbook also mentions the six "stations" of divorce or six different experiences that people are likely to have. There is emotional divorce, legal divorce, economic divorce, co-parental divorce, community divorce, and finally psychic divorce. I won't explain what each of these is, but you can do your research and find out more about these. If considering divorce, people need to think about the negative effects of divorce as well. Health problems can occur (physical and emotional) and financial problems.. PLUS... it can dramatically affect the children too. All of these should be taken into consideration, but if possible, I highly recommend trying to work things out. What can seem like a major problem or a problem that can't be fixed, turns out to be solvable if work and time is put into it. If you're married, I wish you a happy marriage! Take time to make your spouse (and children if any) feel loved! Happy Holidays!

Parenting

Being a parent, in my opinion, is the most important job you could have in this life. Having children is such an amazing privilege and blessing. We need to learn to be the best parents we can be. There are so many different parenting techniques. What you need to do is look at the different techniques and decide what you believe are the correct ones and the ones you want to implement. I will talk about some things I learned about parenting and you can form your own opinions about them. I learned that you are supposed to use "I" messages. Those work in any type of relationship because you aren't placing blame on anyone and you're talking about how you feel. The video we watched talks about two techniques called "either/or" and "when/then". The "either/or" is telling your child that they either do the thing you're asking of them or there will be a consequence. The "when/then" is telling your child that they can do something when they do what you want them to do. I have learned in my parenting class and this class that rewards and punishments are not very effective. They are slightly effective for the short-term, but they are not at all effective for the long-term. In fact, they can be the opposite of effective. According to Alfie Kohn, every time you reward a child for something they do, they become less interested in the thing they were rewarded for. Punishments can be done correctly, but almost always aren't. We should learn to be more intentional parents. We need to be more aware of our children and why they do things instead of just focusing on their behavior. We should talk to them more and try to understand them. We need to speak to them on their level instead of talking down to them. We are there  to help them instead of bossing them around. The video I watched talks about Logical Consequences Guidelines for teens. These are the steps: 1. Ask the teen to help decide the consequence. , 2. Put the consequence in the form of a choice: either/or choice OR when/then choice. , 3. Make sure the consequence is logically connected to the misbehavior. , 4. Give choices that you can live with. , 5. Keep your tone of voice firm and calm. , 6. Give the choice on time, then enforce the consequence. , and 7. Expect testing from your teen. They also talk about FLAC. It stands for Feelings, Limits, Alternatives (working with child for a solution), and Consequences. It is important to acknowledge their good efforts and not just point out their mistakes. It is easy to discourage our children. This is done by expecting too little, expecting too much, focusing on mistakes, and overprotecting our children. We can encourage our children by showing confidence, building on strengths, learning to value them, and stimulating their independence. It is important to be the best parents we can be because we will be raising the next generation. How you treat them and raise them has a huge impact on the rest of their life. I am excited to be a parent. I know it will be difficult, but it will be so worth it. The good times will outweigh the challenging. This week's challenge: Be intentional parents! Get to know your children. Work to truly understand them and only make decisions that are beneficial and will actually. teach your children. Happy December!

Fatherhood and Finances

So! Happy late Thanksgiving, everyone! Hope it was great. It is finally time for Christmas music, lights, decorations, gift giving, caroling, hot cocoa, and fireplaces! Oh and snow...lots of snow. If you couldn't tell.. I love Christmas. ANYWAY.. back on track. This week I've been learning about work and the home. The way society views work and home has changed significantly. I've read how more and more women are entering the labor force and the men are not the only breadwinners these days. Before I continue, I just want to establish that I don't find anything wrong with women working. If they choose to do that, that's great. The big issue is children. If you don't have any children, well then I guess that isn't a problem. If children are in the home (mainly young children), it can be difficult to have both parents working full time. I'm not saying just difficult for the parents because they have to find child-care and all, but difficult for the children. I firmly believe that children need to learn and grow in the company of a parent. When they are young is when they are developing and learning the things they need to know. It is also when a bond forms between the parent and child. I, personally, wouldn't want someone else raising my child. I would want to be at home raising my child and teaching them what I think it is important to learn including my religious beliefs. When children are in school, it is nice to have a parent at home because it is like a support system for the child and a way they can learn outside of school as well. I want to defend home-makers. I do not think that home-makers are wasting their life away and discarding their education and wasting it. I think home-makers do more than most people believe. I find it important to be with your children and do things around the house that need to get done. There are ways of continuing your education while being at home. There is the news, talk shows, books, online courses, etc. The list could go on and on. Truly. I think the world views home-making as not important, but I think it is one of the most important jobs you could have, if not the most important. Another topic we covered is finances. It is so important to learn how to manage finances and budget your money. Finances is one of the most common reasons for divorce. It is highly recommended to discuss how you will manage money with your fiancé before you get married. Money is an issue that most people have trouble with. Having a wedding cost money and starting a family cost money. In fact, EVERYTHING costs money. It is all about managing money. You can save so much money if you just pin point what you spend most of your money on unnecessarily and cut down on it. That can make life easier. Try going a week without spending money that you don't need to and see the difference it can make. You may want to come with a way so you will actually be able to see the numbers. Good luck.

Communication is KEY!

Communicating is one of the most important things you can do in any relationship. There are different techniques of good communication. There are soft start ups which are conversations that are started not harshly. There are repair attempts when people try to get the conversation back on track, there are I-messages when people us the word "I" instead of pointing blame, and there is reflective listening which is when you reflect and ask if you understand what the person is saying. The conflict resolution steps are: identify/define the issues, clarify the issue completely, identify alternatives, solidify agreements, and try the plan and review/renegotiate. The forms of communication include verbal, words, tone, and non-verbal. in communications, 51% is nonverbal, 35% is tone, an 14% is words. We need to watch our nonverbal communication because that says a lot about how we are feeling. That is why people say actions speak louder than words.  Communication is so big in relationships because it allows each person to understand how the other is feeling, learn more about them, work out problems, and bond. Often times, we focus so much on indirect communication that it has a big potential to be misunderstood. When we communicate, we should be sure to not let impure things pass through our mouths. We need to build up others. I need to be especially careful about sarcasm. Sarcasm is a corrupt form of communications. Your tone won't match your words and in other words, you are lying because there is the potential for damage or misunderstanding. There is no congruent way to respond to sarcasm. Moral of the story, communication is everything and it is very important to be careful how you communicate so that you are not misunderstood. Miscommunication causes many problems, therefore it is worth your time to do your best to communicate effectively.

Family Crisis

Everyone deals with challenges differently and it all depends on how you do that determines how the challenge affects you. This week we talked about crisis and how families deal with it. Some people may look at a struggle as a big crisis while others may look at it as a small thing. It is all based on how you handle it and your other circumstances. We learned about the ABCX family crisis model. This is the actual event, the resources and your application, and cognition all adds up to the total experience that you have. Stressor events bring about a family crisis. The events are not sufficient to cause serious problems, but it is important to know the kind of events can cause a family crisis. There are different types of stressor events. They are categorized into internal and external. The internal stressor events are events that begin from someone inside the family, such as getting drunk, suicide, or running for election. The external events that begin from someone or something outside the family, such as earthquakes, terrorism, the inflation rate, or cultural attitudes toward women and minorities. The internal stressors are normative, ambiguous, volitional, chronic, cumulative. The external stressors are non-normative, non-ambiguous, non-volitional, acute, isolated. All of the stressors can be handled in a ways that make it easier for you and your family to handle. It is important to keep perspective and know that your trial will be just a moment in the grand scheme of things. If you just keep perspective, be flexible, and do what you can to take everything one step at a time and support the other people in your family.

Sex Education

Teaching your children about intimate relations can be very important. You don't want your children to learn from their peers and be misinformed. You want your child to know your stance on intimate relations outside of marriage. I am going to speak from my stance now, so I'm sorry if you don't agree. I would want to teach my children of the importance of sex and how sacred it is and should be shared between a husband and wife. The world looks at it as a recreation. It is important to talk about it with your children so they don't look at it as a bad thing. Let your children hear it from you and not their health teachers or students first. You can practice with your spouse how to share the information with your children, let them ask questions, invite them to share their thoughts, and avoid euphemism. 

We also learned about infidelity. The words we thought about when we heard "high fidelity" (related to music) was truth, loyalty, purity, warmth, multi sensual, and interactive. This can relate to relationships too. Infidelity is actually very easy to fall into. Some forms of infidelity are pornography, fantasizing about another person, and romantic relations with another. Other forms of infidelity include putting anything above God, same-sex, sexting others, dishonesty, confiding in friends, impure thoughts about others, lusting after others, some romantic novels or romantic movies. We should be very careful of infidelity.  

Newly Weds

There are many challenges to the first few years of marriage. The big one is traditions. It is hard to start making your own traditions, deciding which traditions to go with, and deciding which families to see during the holidays. It is hard to decide which family and or whether you'll stay and develop your own traditions. It is also hard to decide which traditions to create especially if both spouses come from a different cultural background. It is hard for spouses to get used to their new roles and responsibilities. Money is often a big thing couples disagree on. Getting used to living with each other and sharing everything can be difficult for some people. The sleeping arrangements can be a hard thing to get used to. In-laws can be hard to deal with, but it takes a lot of patience and it can be a way to solve problems together as a couple. Dividing responsibilities is one thing that couples have to learn in the the first few months of marriage. We also learned in class that when couples have children, their marital satisfaction goes down with each one. Having children can cause the parents to grow more distant because of many factors, but couples can mostly avoid this if they stay close, take time for one another, talk about their feelings, and work out problems together.

LOOOVE!

This week we talked a lot about love and dating. I learned about the selection process and how people choose who to date. People look at physical attraction, similarities, accessibility (meaning close to where you live), and propinquity. When looking for a life partner, people look at age, race/ethnicity, religion, and education. There are different types of love. Storge is found in affection between parent and child. Philia is the type of love that exists between friends. Agape is a love that is independent of one's feelings for another such as to care for the well-bing of a person whether you like them or not. Eros is love between men and women. We talked about which of these types of love were important in a marriage and came to the conclusion that it is important to have all of these types of love in a successful and happy marriage. We also talked about how people sometimes mistake being in love or being attracted to someone because the experience misattribution of arousal. This is when different emotions can produce similar kinds of physical arousal. You can mistake certain emotions that have similar symptoms to the emotion you believe you're feeling. People tend to be more attracted to someone when they are scared or excited. Their emotions are high and produce butterflies, sweaty palms, and nervousness just like attraction can do. I found that very interesting. Basically, don't go to a haunted corn maze with a guy;) You may be tricked into believing you like him based on that experience. haha Another thing I learned is that cohabitation is not a successful way to try out what marriage will be like without being married. Most people who cohabit before marriage are not as happy and often end in getting a divorce. Married couples are found to be happier, less depressed, and have higher levels of commitment to the relationship  than cohabitation partners. Don't believe me? Look into it. Look at the statistics. I don't recommend cohabiting with someone.

Same Sex Attraction

This week, we talked about same sex attraction. Some people believe that people are just born lesbian or gay. That is not the case at all. Each of us had a specific gender even before we were born. It is a part of our eternal identity. It's hard for me to believe that God would put people in the wrong body. Then He would cease to be God because he would not be perfect. If you believe in God, then I hope you agree with me on that. No one is born attracted to their same gender. Just because some girls play with trucks and some boys play with Barbies, doesn't mean they are gay or lesbian. The environment is a big factor in a child's life. I watched a documentary made about guys that were attracted to their same gender and moved away from that. They all had things in common. For each of them, when they acted on their attractions, they felt happy. They realized it was only temporary. Their childhood environment he relationship with their parents were both factors in their homosexuality. I am going to base what I say off of the documentary. They talk about boys specifically so I will too. A wounded sense of gender is one factor of homosexual feelings. For example, when boys aren't accepted by other boys, it is hard to feel a part of that group. They have a low self esteem an they feel misplaced. Another factor is bullying. A boy/man would detach from other boys when there is bullying going on. This is especially true if the bullying comes from within the family. Parent relationships are often a factor too. The men in the documentary had some sort of father hunger. They were in some ways disconnected with their father whether physically or emotionally. They form a deeper connection with their mother without the male figure in their life. There is also "mother confusion". When the father figure is not there, it is easy for the mother to connect with the son so deeply, but also be smothering or getting over involved. Another factor is inappropriate touch or lacking touch at all. All of these men were sexually abused at one point in time. This contributed to their feelings. Pornography was also a factor. Pornography can enforce some of the imagery that might come along with homosexual feelings. It can also introduce thoughts and feelings that weren't there before. These factors can lead to same sex attraction. People aren't born that way. Often times people don't want to have these feelings. All of these factors lead to a misunderstanding in feelings and if understood, can help a person understand why they feel the way they do and find a solution.

Culture and Gender Differences

This week, we discussed culture. We decided as a class that culture is more important than race when getting statistics for research. Culture is what traditions you grew up with and beliefs that make you who you are. Just because you are a certain race, does not mean you have the same culture as other people of your race. That should not be a determining factor of your culture. For a homework assignment, we had to watch a video about whether there was a difference between men and women. This was a old program done by abc news. They interviewed a few women rights advocates and they were very opinionated in this subject. They say that of course there are no differences between men and women and think they should have equal rights. When the interviewer mentioned things that plainly proved men and women are different, they somewhat slightly admitted it and then quickly dismissed it. The program went on to show how boys and girls act differently from the time they are born. They react differently to situations and then they are older, they even play differently. The women that were interviewed said that children acted a certain way because of the way we raise them. They said that we raise them to fill those gender characteristics and the children just think that is how they are supposed to act so they do. The tests that were performed and showed, proved otherwise. In my opinion, of course men and women are different. They are genetically different, we have different hormones and different abilities. Women can't do some things that guy can. Face it! Guys can't do some things that girls can. It is not something we should be offended by or ashamed of. We should embrace this fact and use it to our advantage. It is not sexist to admit these things. I'm not trying to belittle anyone. I am just giving fact. We are build differently, see things differently, sometimes learn differently, and have different roles in family life. I think that God made us differently so we could learn to rely on each other and form a closer bond within the family. Men's weaknesses can be assisted with women's strengths and visa versa. I don't believe that having weaknesses makes  you weak. It keeps you humble and gives you opportunities to rely on the Lord. Equal rights between men and women do not mean that we are the same.
On other note....
My Parenting class is reading Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. I suggest reading it. I am still formulating my opinions of his ideas on parenting, but we have some great debates in class about what he says. It is an interesting read and I would be curious to see what y'all think about it. I could make another blog just on ONE topic in his book.

Parenting Class

In this post, I want to talk include things I learned in my Parenting class. I hope my professor won't mind. I am going to ask him if I can continue to do this, but I just love all of the things I learn in my Parenting class and want to share it with y'all. To start off, I will talk about a few things I learned in my Family Relations class. For a homework assignment, I watched an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond called "The Gift". I was so excited to watch it because I find this show entertaining and I used to watch it with my dad. I think one reason I  find this show interesting is because of the family dynamics that I am not used to. The parents of Raymond have a love-hate relationship. They joke around a lot in ways that normal families would probably find very hurtful. Raymond and his wife always feel obligated to please the Ray's parent and are not completely honest with them. Ray's brother, Rob, is always fighting for attention with the parents and is always in a competition with Raymond. Overall, I don't think it is a very healthy family relationship, but hey! It provides for good entertainment, right? Whatever works for the entertainment industry. Hopefully people don't watch it and think that families should look like that. :P Well, while I observed the relationships in the show, I noticed how harmful it can be to have sibling rivalries. For some, it is just a playful thing that kids will grow out of, but often it can grow into something far more serious. Sibling rivalries cause problems as the children grow older. The siblings can grow distant and become bitter against each other. I feel like sibling rivalries can somewhat be avoided if the parents don't allow it to become an issue. Based on what I have observed, sibling rivalries are usually caused by children trying to impress their parents. They want to feel loved and good enough. If parents give the impression that one child is better than the other or seem more interested in one child's activities, the other child or children will work against that child to one-up them. It can cause a lot of tension in the home. Something seemingly trivial as that can and should be avoided before it becomes a bigger problem. 

In my parenting class, I learned about personalities and different temperaments of children. I watched some videos on YouTube that are called BBC Child Of Our Time- The Big Personality Test. I found these videos very cool to watch. It shows the different personalities of the children participating in this big test. The researcher follow the children up until they are ten and see how they developed their personalities and temperaments and how they have played a role in their life. I won't go into lots of detail, but I highly recommend watching the videos. Just look them up on YouTube. The personalities that they talked about in the videos were openness, agreeableness, contentiousness, extraversion, and neuroticism. You can take a test to see your personalities and how high or low you are in these areas here http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive/ 

I learned that it is important to know the personalities of your children are so that you can better accommodate them. All children learn differently and react differently. It is hard to relate to and connect with your child if you don't understand how they are viewing the world. When you understand more about your child, you will be able to help your child in those areas where they need more help or encouragement. Get to know your children better. Have one on one conversations with them. Take time to spend an afternoon with them. Let them know you care about them and take an interest in their life. Don't just let them know, though. SHOW them. Actions speak louder than words. 

Thanks for reading! 'Til next week. 

Family Relations (FIRST POST)

Here, at BYU-Idaho, I am taking a Family Relations class. The purpose of the class is to teach about the importance of relationships in the family and discuss the cultural diversity and heritage of families. I am learning so much about the common trends that are going on in the world such as lower birth rates, divorce, cohabitation, employed mothers, and premarital sex and how all of these trends factor into family life along with how they are affecting the views of what a family is. The "traditional family" is slowly becoming outdated to the world. There are less kids per family and now there are people who are involved in cohabitation before they marry, marry someone of the same sex, and have sex outside of the bonds of matrimony. Some of these popular trends are short-term and some are long-term.Some people believe that these trends will continue and diverge further from the nuclear family type and others say that they will return back to the traditional patterns of family. What do you think? I also learned about the different theories that social scientists use to guide their research. There the Systems Theory, the Exchange Theory, Symbolic Interaction Theory, and Conflict Theory. I will briefly explain what each of these are. The Systems Theory is the idea that an intimate group must be analyzed together because they have the same rules and roles that apply to their system. It says that each group is composed of interrelated parts that are not independent, but influence each other and work together. The Exchange Theory asserts that we try to make sure that the relationship doesn't cost more than it rewards us emotionally. The Symbolic Interaction Theory views humans mainly as people who are influenced and shaped by their interaction and experiences. Finally, the Conflict Theory asserts that all societies are characterized by inequality, conflict, and change as groups within the society struggle over scarce resources. These theories are important to the study of intimate relationships. I love taking this class. I am looking at family life in a whole different perspective. I never realized how much family life influences the people we turn out to be. Alright! Enough of the boring stuff. I've been thinking a lot about family how children are affected in every aspects of their lives because of their personal family life. As human beings, we need love in our lives. We thrive on it. There is this video that I watched about intimate relationships. You can watch it here. http://digital.films.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/PortalViewVideo.aspx?xtid=43742&loid=123759 (If you don't attend BYU-I you can search for Harry Harlow's Baby Monkey Experiment or watch here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrNBEhzjg8I . I also want you to know that I find the experiments harsh and don't think those test should have been done, nonetheless the results still make a point.) In the video it show a research study where baby monkeys were taken from their mothers at an early age and weren't provided with the love and comfort from their mothers. The researchers created two fake mothers and released the monkeys and watched which fake mother they went to. One mother was soft and had cloth on it and provided warmth. The other was all wire, but provided food. The monkeys always went to the mother that provided warmth as if the comfort and love was more important than food. I find this so intriguing. I do believe that love is the most important thing. Everyone needs to feel loved by someone, even if it's from their dog. Love makes the world go 'round. Those who had hard family lives and didn't get the love they needed often experience depression or very low self esteem. They are deprived of what they crave most. I hope we can all try to spread love to our friends, neighbors, family, and even strangers on the street. Everyone wants to feel cared about and important. Imagine how the world would change if everyone cared for others and their feelings. Who knows, by giving a simple smile, you could change someone's whole view on life. Try it. :)

Introduction

Hi, my name is Stephanie Stewart and I am in my Freshman year of college at Brigham Young University-Idaho. I am majoring in Marriage and Family Studies. I am taking this Family Relations class and this blog is going to talk about what I have learned, my opinions, and my observations on certain topics about the family. I am excited to learn and hope to share what I learn with all of you so that we can learn together.